Blog Archives - His Porcelain Soldier
"I never realize I'm in a battle til' it's already over. That's because in my mind, the battle is always already won, before it's ever even begun. I'm the one always standing at the victory line, looking behind me & hollering, "hurry up, the view is great from here!"

That was my status a day or so ago. I had those thoughts based on lots of other thoughts about my life. I have always been that way, even in my darkest days. I'm in different groups & organizations for survivors of (insert what ever abuse you want here.) But the thing is, I was never meant to be a survivor.

I have never been a survivor. I have never just survived. Because surviving has never been good enough for me. I don't want to just survive, I never have. I have ALWAYS wanted to overcome, and I always have. It doesn't matter what has ever come my way, I'm already in the light at the end of the tunnel as far as I've always been concerned.

When I find myself in dark situations, I look for the light... and if I have to crawl on my knees to get to it, that's what I do. But I never stay in the darkness. And I don't survive. I overcome.

Darkness is the devil's playground. He's the "nice" man offering candy to the little kids on the merry go round. And when they reach out to take his candy, he snatches up all the life out of them. But when he has tried to take over my life, I take it BACK. I take back what he stole, and then God gives me 10 fold of what the devil stole, on top of what I take back from the devil.

I'm not a victim anymore. I'm not a survivor, and I never was. I know what it means to survive. But I'm not a survivor. And there is a difference. I'm an overcomer, through and through... again and again.

There's a difference in being a survivor and an overcomer. To survive means that you somehow manage to stay alive in the midst of the darkness. To overcome means you spit in the face of darkness, as you pass it by on your way to the finish line. Eat the dust from my shoes darkness.

I can talk or write about the abusive ways I've been hurt, and it doesn't make me ashamed or angry anymore. I have nothing to be ashamed about, and shame on anyone who thinks I should. And I don't have room in my life anymore for anger. God has made me whole. I'm happy. Why should I sit around being angry at those who have hurt me, so they can have more power over me? Darkness has no power over me anymore, because I took it all back. And God gave me so much more!

I am so blessed. I have 6 BEAUTIFUL children that I don't deserve. I have a good husband who has loved me since I was 15 years old. He takes care of us and comes home to us every night. He has provided us with a good home, and all the things we need, and then some (I might even be a little bit spoiled)... he works hard everyday to give us all those things, and he is good to me. You would never guess, looking at our home, that I grew up living in roaches, mice, filth, abuse, drugs, and poverty...or that I was previously married into the same life I grew up in. Our home does not reflect the dark past behind me. The only things you will see from my past are all the good things I've been blessed with. That's because darkness is still behind me, trying to wipe my spit from its face.

God takes us from our filthy lives and brings us OUT of them! It is not His will for us to be survivors! It is His will for us to be overcomers. It is His will to give us so much more than what we had before. And I'm not just talking about material things. I'm talking about conditions of the heart. He wants to make us whole, regardless of where we've come from, what we've done, or who we are.

Don't call me a survivor. Because that is not God's will for my life and it never has been. I am, always have been, and always will be an overcomer... It is through His blood that I am made whole, that I am an overcomer.

"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." Romans 8:37

I feel like shoutin'! Whoo!
Is it my curly hair that flutters below my waist
Is it my skirt that drags the pavement
Or my smooth uncovered face...

The curl in my hips that sway with each step
The way I cross my ankles when I sit

No cleavage you'll see
No fine jewels dangling from my ears

My voice is meek but my message is loud
My heart is tamed but my ambition is endless
Humble... I am humble

Does my tongue frighten you
Fear not, it is only the Lord moving through my soul
I am under the influence of the Holy Ghost... the Holy Ghost
Don't tell me this isn't real

"I once was lost... but now I'm found"
I once was lost... and in sin I was bound
But now I'm free
Don't tell me this isn't real

Don't tell me I have too many rules
Don't you dare take my sacrifice from me
Don't you take my worship from the Lord
My body belongs to Him, every curve, every step I take...

What is it about me you find so intriquing
What is it about me so different from you

Do you see that...
It's a reflection of my soul you see, when you look at me
So let me show you the God who resides in my heart...when you look at me

He shines through my eyes
He shines through the curl in my hips
He shines through my uncovered face
He shines through the glory I call my hair
He shines through my skirt that drags the pavement...

...And through my words, my smile, my love for you...

He shines through me.

I follow no man's rules.
I carry this cross because I follow Him.

Apostolic Woman, I am.