Hurt. Angry. Afraid. Weak. Depressed. Cold. Timid. Anxiety. Outcast. Embarrassed. Abandoned. Afraid...afraid... afraid...
These are just some of the ways they made me feel. Dear God, here is my shame. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of violation. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of belittlement & being degraded. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of worthlessness. I give them to you.
Here is my hurt. I give it to you.
Here is my anger. I give it to you.
Here is my fear. I give it to you.
Here is my depression. I give it to you.
Here are the walls that have made me cold. I give them to you.
Here are my timid and anxiety filled nerves. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of being cast out. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of embarrassment that my feelings of shame have brought on. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of abandonment. I give them to you.
Here is my fear... my fear...my fear. I give it to you.
Please forgive them for what they've done to me. Dear God, never hold them accountable for their sins against me. Please wipe it off their record permenantly. I forgive them. I ask you to forgive them to with no conditions... wipe it all away.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry the shame that I didn't cause. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty for sins I didn't commit against me. I forgive myself if I ever hurt anyone because of the person I became. I forgive me. I forgive me. I forgive me in spite of me.
If I ever held resentment for you for allowing bad things to happen to me, then I forgive you. Dear God you have always kept me. I understand that mankind does evil to the innocent because evil co-exists in this world with your goodness. I understand that you give man free will to choose right and wrong, and because of that, some have done evil to me. You allowed them to. I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.
"I never realize I'm in a battle til' it's already over. That's because in my mind, the battle is always already won, before it's ever even begun. I'm the one always standing at the victory line, looking behind me & hollering, "hurry up, the view is great from here!"
That was my status a day or so ago. I had those thoughts based on lots of other thoughts about my life. I have always been that way, even in my darkest days. I'm in different groups & organizations for survivors of (insert what ever abuse you want here.) But the thing is, I was never meant to be a survivor.
I have never been a survivor. I have never just survived. Because surviving has never been good enough for me. I don't want to just survive, I never have. I have ALWAYS wanted to overcome, and I always have. It doesn't matter what has ever come my way, I'm already in the light at the end of the tunnel as far as I've always been concerned.
When I find myself in dark situations, I look for the light... and if I have to crawl on my knees to get to it, that's what I do. But I never stay in the darkness. And I don't survive. I overcome.
Darkness is the devil's playground. He's the "nice" man offering candy to the little kids on the merry go round. And when they reach out to take his candy, he snatches up all the life out of them. But when he has tried to take over my life, I take it BACK. I take back what he stole, and then God gives me 10 fold of what the devil stole, on top of what I take back from the devil.
I'm not a victim anymore. I'm not a survivor, and I never was. I know what it means to survive. But I'm not a survivor. And there is a difference. I'm an overcomer, through and through... again and again.
There's a difference in being a survivor and an overcomer. To survive means that you somehow manage to stay alive in the midst of the darkness. To overcome means you spit in the face of darkness, as you pass it by on your way to the finish line. Eat the dust from my shoes darkness.
I can talk or write about the abusive ways I've been hurt, and it doesn't make me ashamed or angry anymore. I have nothing to be ashamed about, and shame on anyone who thinks I should. And I don't have room in my life anymore for anger. God has made me whole. I'm happy. Why should I sit around being angry at those who have hurt me, so they can have more power over me? Darkness has no power over me anymore, because I took it all back. And God gave me so much more!
I am so blessed. I have 6 BEAUTIFUL children that I don't deserve. I have a good husband who has loved me since I was 15 years old. He takes care of us and comes home to us every night. He has provided us with a good home, and all the things we need, and then some (I might even be a little bit spoiled)... he works hard everyday to give us all those things, and he is good to me. You would never guess, looking at our home, that I grew up living in roaches, mice, filth, abuse, drugs, and poverty...or that I was previously married into the same life I grew up in. Our home does not reflect the dark past behind me. The only things you will see from my past are all the good things I've been blessed with. That's because darkness is still behind me, trying to wipe my spit from its face.
God takes us from our filthy lives and brings us OUT of them! It is not His will for us to be survivors! It is His will for us to be overcomers. It is His will to give us so much more than what we had before. And I'm not just talking about material things. I'm talking about conditions of the heart. He wants to make us whole, regardless of where we've come from, what we've done, or who we are.
Don't call me a survivor. Because that is not God's will for my life and it never has been. I am, always have been, and always will be an overcomer... It is through His blood that I am made whole, that I am an overcomer.
"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." Romans 8:37
I feel like shoutin'! Whoo!