"I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

This morning I hugged my oldest son. I told him how proud I was of him & how proud I was of the fine young man he's becoming. I told him I'm happy to have him for a son.

And you know what? There was no awkward silence after that. There was nothing uncomfortable about it at all. He just hugged me back & started making me laugh with his silly sense of humor.

I couldn't have said those things to him a week ago! That may sound sad to some people, who are used to these daily kinds of interactions. But my fears & anxiety have kept me from being able to express those kinds of thoughts verbally my whole life. My fears & anxiety have kept me from being able to show affection to my children once they're not babies or toddlers anymore. It's not that I haven't hugged & kissed them... but they've always had to come to me & make the first move. And then I hug or kiss them back. But it was always awkward for me when I did.

It wasn't uncomfortable this morning! And I made the first move! Hugs have always been a difficult thing for me. People (adults) who know me well know that I don't like being hugged. But I've never told my children that & I've never denied anyone a hug who comes & hugs me. I can hug now! And I feel okay about it!

And then I looked at Hailey... her denim skirt down to her ankles with embroided flowers on it, her cowgirl boots, her blue girl scout shirt, and the piggy tail braids I put in her hair. I thought, wow, what a beautiful little modest girl. And then I told her how beautiful & modest she looked. And I told her how proud I was of her for being a modest young lady. And nothing weird happened! She just smiled with her biggest smile, blue eyes wide, and carried on talking...

And then I told Josiah how sweet he was behaving this morning, and what a good helper he was being...

And I thought to myself, WoW! He's a prayer answering God! Only He knows how much I have prayed to be delivered from the fears that keep me from showing my affection & verbal praises to my children! I had just prayed about it again yesterday morning, and then I read Psalm 34. And when I saw verse 4, I thought, THANK YOU JESUS! Thank you for that Word and confirmation that you're a deliverer from my fears! I just KNEW right then that my prayers had been answered.

And I woke up this morning just thinking of all the wonderful things I wanted to say to my kids. As I watched them get ready for school, only positive thoughts of praise kept coming to my mind. I know that was GOD! Because before, I never knew what to say in order to praise them. I always had the desire, but the words would never come to my mind unless I was writing them out. Fear always puts a block on my mouth. But it is gone today! He has delivered me from my fear!

And I was encouraged & uplifted by the entire 34th chapter of Psalms. I now know that He delivers the righteous, He keeps them, even through tough times. He shines his face upon them and He hears their cries & answers! He's a good God, all the time! And all the time he's good!

There is POWER in the Word of God! Read it, live it, believe it, and be delivered!

Be blessed in Jesus name!

Psalm 34 (KJV)

1I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

2My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

3O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together.

4I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

5They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

6This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

7The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

8O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

9O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

10The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing.

11Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?

13Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

14Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

15The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

16The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

17The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

19Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

20He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

21Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate.

22The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

Why do you sit there staring?
Are you angry at God?
Does his presence no longer move you?
Or is there bitterness cradling your soul instead?

I don't know your heart... I can't know...
I don't know your pain... I don't want to know...
But I feel deep anguish inside when I pray for you

All I can hope is that my prayers will carry you until you can walk again
And hope that my anguish for you is sufficient until you choose to feel again
And hope that God will accept my sacrifice in place of yours... just til' you make it through...

My mind goes back to my dreams.
God talks to me often there.
I saw you in your lowest despair, oh, but what could I do?
You were gone before I could stop you, and I'd never felt so helpless.
....And then, what could I do?

Awaken from my nightmare...
... awake and intercede... until your nightmare is over.

God will see you through.

"I never realize I'm in a battle til' it's already over. That's because in my mind, the battle is always already won, before it's ever even begun. I'm the one always standing at the victory line, looking behind me & hollering, "hurry up, the view is great from here!"

That was my status a day or so ago. I had those thoughts based on lots of other thoughts about my life. I have always been that way, even in my darkest days. I'm in different groups & organizations for survivors of (insert what ever abuse you want here.) But the thing is, I was never meant to be a survivor.

I have never been a survivor. I have never just survived. Because surviving has never been good enough for me. I don't want to just survive, I never have. I have ALWAYS wanted to overcome, and I always have. It doesn't matter what has ever come my way, I'm already in the light at the end of the tunnel as far as I've always been concerned.

When I find myself in dark situations, I look for the light... and if I have to crawl on my knees to get to it, that's what I do. But I never stay in the darkness. And I don't survive. I overcome.

Darkness is the devil's playground. He's the "nice" man offering candy to the little kids on the merry go round. And when they reach out to take his candy, he snatches up all the life out of them. But when he has tried to take over my life, I take it BACK. I take back what he stole, and then God gives me 10 fold of what the devil stole, on top of what I take back from the devil.

I'm not a victim anymore. I'm not a survivor, and I never was. I know what it means to survive. But I'm not a survivor. And there is a difference. I'm an overcomer, through and through... again and again.

There's a difference in being a survivor and an overcomer. To survive means that you somehow manage to stay alive in the midst of the darkness. To overcome means you spit in the face of darkness, as you pass it by on your way to the finish line. Eat the dust from my shoes darkness.

I can talk or write about the abusive ways I've been hurt, and it doesn't make me ashamed or angry anymore. I have nothing to be ashamed about, and shame on anyone who thinks I should. And I don't have room in my life anymore for anger. God has made me whole. I'm happy. Why should I sit around being angry at those who have hurt me, so they can have more power over me? Darkness has no power over me anymore, because I took it all back. And God gave me so much more!

I am so blessed. I have 6 BEAUTIFUL children that I don't deserve. I have a good husband who has loved me since I was 15 years old. He takes care of us and comes home to us every night. He has provided us with a good home, and all the things we need, and then some (I might even be a little bit spoiled)... he works hard everyday to give us all those things, and he is good to me. You would never guess, looking at our home, that I grew up living in roaches, mice, filth, abuse, drugs, and poverty...or that I was previously married into the same life I grew up in. Our home does not reflect the dark past behind me. The only things you will see from my past are all the good things I've been blessed with. That's because darkness is still behind me, trying to wipe my spit from its face.

God takes us from our filthy lives and brings us OUT of them! It is not His will for us to be survivors! It is His will for us to be overcomers. It is His will to give us so much more than what we had before. And I'm not just talking about material things. I'm talking about conditions of the heart. He wants to make us whole, regardless of where we've come from, what we've done, or who we are.

Don't call me a survivor. Because that is not God's will for my life and it never has been. I am, always have been, and always will be an overcomer... It is through His blood that I am made whole, that I am an overcomer.

"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." Romans 8:37

I feel like shoutin'! Whoo!