In deep prayer one evening, I prayed with the burden of the world heavy on my heart. I wept for people I knew and even people I didn't know. As I prayed I thought about God's special calling on my life and how I have not moved forward in my particular calling like I knew I needed to. I began to wonder why as I prayed for these people, who always give me deep anguish inside when I think of their souls... I wondered why I loved these people so much that everytime I prayed it was always them I was praying for, never even thinking to pray for myself...why, when I read the Bible it's always for them, never for what I can get out the Word for myself.
 
Then it hit me like a ton a bricks and I began to sob, "God, I don't love MYSELF!" I repeated this a few times, "I don't love myself God! I don't know why, help me to love myself so that I can love others God!" Of course I loved others, but I can't be fully effective on my calling or winning souls when I don't even love my own soul enough to save it. That is a bold statement, I know. But it is so true for so many of us.   It is so easy to want to "save the world" and send everyone to heaven. Anyone who has any kind of burden for souls knows the feeling. It is so easy to get excited when someone we know says they're coming to church with us Sunday morning or we see them at an altar giving their hearts to God. It is so easy to answer their endless questions & biblical debates on scripture, and so easy to point out the steps to salvation to them when we're trying to win their soul over to God. It's so easy to come before God for them in prayer and failing to even make sure our own hearts are clean. It's so easy to go through those motions.  

When it sank in that I didn't love myself, I meditated for a moment and just waited on God to speak. I felt a tug on my heart that said, just pick up your Bible and open it. I opened to Deut 20 and read the verses (below.)   As I read I thought about the time I spent and the things I learned in the military. I pictured the chaplains giving us all a "pep talk" and then our leading officers coming in to "be real" with us before we walk onto the perspective battle field, as I read this scenerio below. 

The priest encourages the Israelites to not be afraid because God is with them and will fight for them. But even after the priest said, GOD IS WITH THEM and GOD IS GOING TO FIGHT FOR THEM, the officers still stood up and said, "whoa... hang on a minute though..." They said if ANY man has a home he's not dedicated back home, a vinyard he's planted and not eaten from, or a woman he's engaged to and not married, to GO HOME and do those things lest they die in battle and another man get to do those things for them.   Lastly, they said, who is fearful and weak hearted out there? If you are afraid and weak hearted, go home now so that you don't make your fellow brothers in arms afraid and weak hearted.
 
I understood this concept well, knowing that when troop morale is low, in any individual troop member, it can affect the entire flight/platoon, and low troop morale can affect the entire mission! God was with them, as he is with us, but without our FAITH in Him, we will discourage ourselves and lose a battle before it's even begun.   These officers knew that if any of those men went to battle without their personal affairs in order, the troop was better off fighting without them. Distracted, fearful and weak hearted men would have just brought the entire platoon down in the battle. Likewise, if we don't have our own spiritual homes in order, we can't fight a battle either.
 
If we don't love ourselves enough to feed our own souls or pray for our own souls, then we can't be full effective in a battle. It's not enough to let the preacher feed us. It's not enough to let ourselves be carried on the prayers of our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. It's not enough to love others and get out there and witness. We have to love our own souls enough to save them first, while also being willing to lose our own soul to the cross.   I realized that I don't love myself at all if I don't maintain my own soul.
 
I could witness to a world of people, and still lose my own soul. I can't claim to love people like God loves them if I don't even love my own soul enough to save it, feed it, nourish it, and contiously keep my own heart in sync with God's. I knew that God didn't want me to go forward yet in my calling because he wanted my soul to be saved to. Yes, he would be with me and he would save the souls I fought for in battle... but God doesn't want us losing our own souls too. He doesn't want us affecting the morale of our wingmen either. We have to all be strong hearted as a unit in battle.
 
We are the body of Christ, one BIG moving giant in a battle, and every limb needs to be completely effective and stable & strong in a battle. That takes every member "eating all their veggies" before stepping out onto the battle field. 

Don't forget to love yourself enough to save your own soul too. Until you can effectively win your own soul, how you can win others?  

"When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, and seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou, be not afraid of them: for the LORD thy God is with thee, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.
 
2And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle, that the priest shall approach and speak unto the people, 

 3And shall say unto them, Hear, O Israel, ye approach this day unto battle against your enemies: let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them;  

4For the LORD your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you. 
 

5
And the officers shall speak unto the people, saying, What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man dedicate it. 
 

6And what man is he that hath planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? let him also go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it. 
 

7And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her? let him go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man take her. 

 8And the officers shall speak further unto the people, and they shall say, What man is there that is fearful and fainthearted? let him go and return unto his house, lest his brethren's heart faint as well as his heart."

 
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Photo © Dogbreedinfo.com
   ♪ O' Be careful when you go looking for yourself
You just don't know what you'll find

O' Be careful when you go looking for yourself
You just might not like what you see

You might get lost ♫
And take a wrong turn

You could find yourself driving down a lane...
on the wrong road, on the wrong side of the highway

O' You slam on the brakes but it's too late
There's no turnabouts on this highway

You've done the damage, trying to find yourself
You've shattered the windshield
You flew right through it

No doctors can save you now...
None... none, except... The Great Physician.
O' The Great Physician

Only He can take all that shattered glass and put it back together
Only He can scrape your broken self from debris left of this mess
Only He knows how to put you back together when you've...
 made all the wrong turns, taken the wrong road, on the wrong side of the highway

So.. suffocate that flesh and go ahead and let it take its last breath
You won't need tubes and machines to breathe anymore
Because he'll give you a new life, a new breath, a new road, a new song... and you won't have to go searching anymore for yourself..by yourself... oh.. no, no more

Only He can take all that shattered glass and put it back together
Only He can scrape your broken self from debris left of this mess
Only he knows how to put you back together when you've...
made all the wrong turns, taken the wrong road, on the wrong side of the highway ♪
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Got the devil's DNA in er'
An' the white dove in her heart
Quite the combination
With quite an ugly start

But hold no regrets dad
It's everything you coulda' been
... everything you shoulda' been
... everything she is
...everything you're not.

You think people fear your eyes
Then maybe they fear mine too
Do you think when they look at me, they see you
Nah... I got another set of eyes dad, didn't you know

At a glance, they might look just like yours
...an' maybe when I'm mad
But eyes are the windows to the spirit
An' that ain't your spirit behind my eyes, dad

Let's have a showdown ol' man
My eyes against yours
Let's stare til' our faces fall off
An' then see, which one of us is left in fear

You ain't nothn' ol' devil
...nothn' at all.

Got the devil's DNA in er'
But The Blood runnin' through her veins
Quite the combination
...quite, the combination.
 
Little bird singin' as she sits
peacefully perched on her tree

Danger lerks she's unaware
That fiesty feline silently watching over there

Faster than a blink it pounces
Her song meets its fatal end

Woke up today
feelin' like somethin' the cat drug in

Maybe it was yesterday
or the day before...
The days blend together
can't remember anymore

These flat painted white walls have turned grey
They seem to get smaller and smaller each day

My bones ache' 
They age faster than me
The sun peers through the window
Get outa' bed sleepyhead
It must be another day

Even Jesus felt this way
Exceeding sorrow weighed his heart
The book of Matthew tells me so

And says Romans
"And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience"
Ephesians I know
"Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory."

Stand back feline
Your teeth might rip though this flesh
But never, no never through this spirit
I faint not... I faint not...

I shall find hope in my afflictions
Little bird keep on singin'
Nothing shall seperate you from his love
Can't take my song from me
 
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Have you ever wondered why the groom lifts his bride's veil towards the end of the ceremony, right before the big kiss? (And sometimes her Father lifts it before handing her over. It can vary.) 


It is such a common tradition that most people don't even acknowledge it anymore. It's practiced. But it's not acknowledged. It's just something that people do... but let's venture into WHY it's done. 


In Judaism (ancient) the veil wasn't even lifted until right before the couple consummated the marriage. It symbolized the couple becoming one flesh. Today, the unveiling in the ceremony is a symbol and foreshadowing of what will take place on the "honeymoon." 


Lifting the veil isn't just a tradition. It's a significant symbol of becoming one. Since ancient times veils have been used to separate something from another, and to symbolize the use of that person's or objects personal space. 


In Genesis 24, Rebekah didn't wear a veil until right before she knew she was going to see Isaac face to face. Perhaps she was following tradition in the same manner we still do today. But I believe there is something to be learned from this seemingly small and insignificant verse (24:65.) She put a "wall" or separation between herself and her soon to be husband. She acknowledged the separation between herself and Isaac because they hadn't yet become one. 


I think of sin as a veil between ourselves and God. And the very moment He took His last breathe on the cross, for our sins, He tore the veil hanging in the tabernacle in the wilderness. Sin was no longer allowed to separate us from Him! But just like a bride on her wedding day we still have to walk down that aisle. We have to walk through the entry where the veil was tore, into the presence of God, to become one with Him. (This is where Acts 2:38 becomes significant in your salvation.)


He has already removed the veil for us. But some of us still try to put it back on. We live in sin and try to cover ourselves from God behind a veil. We put a wall there because we feel like a failure as a Christian, and that's how sin separates us from God. 


But let me reiterate... HE HAS ALREADY REMOVED THE VEIL FOR US. His mercy says, "Come on in!" Why do we have to let the devil make us believe that we're not worthy enough to enter that tabernacle? Why do we allow the devil to keep putting our veil back on? God already took it off. 


Walk boldly into His presence! Never put that veil back on. Die daily, and trust in His love and mercy.


(Photo borrowed from flicker. Click photo to go to its author.) 
 
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Photo © Tara Cameron 

I heard you gently tapping on my cheek early this morn'
Who tis' this calling so early?
Like the slugs outside my porch, I slowly made my way to the drapes
I began to shut them

But then I wiped my tired eyes and tilted my face up towards yours
Oh, good morning my love
Awakened by a kiss
You are always such a romantic...but why so early dear?

Your kiss is warm and gentle
You play soft melodies as you strum your birds
You send a gentle breeze that soothes my aching body and tired mind
You wrap a soft blanket of love around me...how could I be ill at you?

What's that you say?
Of course my love, you may have this dance
I'll pace back and forth to the rhythm of your heart as I feel it beating against my ear
Accept this offering of praise as I raise my hands towards you

Let's speak in your heavenly tongue so even the devil doesn't know what we share
I know, I know... yes I'm crying...
I know you're saving every tear
I'd only share this part of my heart with you though, dear

Ah... my love, there's a deep ache I feel inside
Could you go and give some of your soothing kisses to these people that I love?
They need you so... I can't kiss them like you can
Please let me intercede if they don't want your kiss just yet

And yes... me too, I know
I forget... me too... I do need you so
Deep anguish is buried inside
Only your precious light can turn those roots into a beautiful flower
Shower me in your light... shower me with more

Let your worker bees spread around your pollen
Because I couldn't keep this just for myself
It's too radiant. It's too magnificant.
It's too glorious not to share

I don't deserve your kisses
Who could ever love me like you do?
No one... no, not no one could kiss me like you do
You wake up so early dear...

But every morning spent bathing in your kisses
is worth every early morning

It's worth it....

... when you're getting kisses from the Son
 
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The waves crash against my chest, and I can't breathe.
They roar as they roll and knock me down.
I get back up and run with all my might... into the waves again.
BOOM! CRASH!! ROAR!!
The mighty waves toss me under the water and throw me into the sand.
I scurry to the top and gasp for air...
Before I can breathe out the waves pounce against me once again.
Silence. Seconds of silence underwater last forever
And I'm tossed around under the roaring waves.


And then His gentle hands reach down and He says "be still."
The waves obey his command.
The waters are silenced... peace... peace...
That's where He keeps me.

 
I spent a lot of time around cameras as a child. I often went to work with my Mom, a (then) portrait studio manager, and watched her in action. I fell in love with the art of photography.

Some where in my memory boxes I still have the photos of my first "photo shoot" stored away. I was about 10, and my little brother was my subject. I posed him, added props, and did everything I learned from observing in my Mom's studio. I even made sure my subject was "centered."

I eventually found my own style for photography. Every artist has their own unique style; we are all intertwined copy cats of each other too.  I became a portrait studio manager. I was promoted to studio manager 3 months after being hired, and it was my very first "real" photography job. I had been taught well as a child how to be a good (studio) photographer. I grew up with those cameras. I knew how to center my subject, to add variety to each pose, be creative, and make sure each picture was in focus. I was passionate about what I focused my lense on, and that made a difference too. Without meaning to, I "booted" the current studio manager out of her position. My sales averages were doubling & trippling hers. I was being sent to other stores in order to bring up their sales averages for the week, and I would tripple their weekly goals in one day. Of course I was promoted to studio manager.

I knew from the beginning that the most important factor in a photograph was the person aiming the lense. That's why I knew how to take a good portrait. 
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I learned more about photography in college, and I left the basic rules of portrait photography and learned how to be a photo-journalist. I learned how to tell a story with the photos I produced, how the slightest change in angle can make all the difference in a good picture or a beautiful picture, and how to lead my viewer's eyes to my main focal point.

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I learned how to operate my lense, and how to use the manual settings in order to change the focus in the picture. I learned how to make people see exactly what I wanted them to in a scene through depth of field, and I learned that as a photographer, I control what images are captured in my lense.

If I don't like what's in front of my lense I can change it without having to change the object. Objects aren't always easy to change. But it only takes a second for me to change what I view through my lense or how I focus that view.

I learned that it takes more than "point and shoot" to create a good image.

I am learning in my own life that I have the camera in my hands. I can set the camera on auto and point & shoot if I want. Auto is the setting for people who choose to let the objects be in charge of what they see.

Or, I can change the settings to manual and decide for myself what I want to be seen through the lense.
 
"Life is such" when people hurt us.  We have two choices in any enviroment we're put in: We can set our camera on auto or manual.

When we choose to use manual we give ourselves the ability to change what is viewed through the lense. We can't change the people we see in our lense. But we can change how much focus we put into them or if we even want to focus on them at all. We can change how we view them by simple changes in our angle, focus, and style. 

 
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In this photograph I chose to do a "depth of field" shot. I didn't blur the images behind & in front of the stamp with an editing program. I used my manual settings to put the focus where I wanted it; though, I can still see the surroundings, and they are also important to me. But I wanted my focus in this photograph to be on the "forever" stamp. Slightly above & to the left of the stamp you can still see a marriage certificate and mine & my husband's names are carefully displayed as well. But the sharpest point of my photo is the forever stamp. I wanted the focus of this photograph to be on the "forever" of my marriage.

I didn't adjust the objects in order to get it focused like that. I adjusted my focus. We tend to look at people in life and we think they need to change in order for us to have peace within ourselves or to overcome the hurts they may have caused us.

I have learned a lot in my lifetime about photography. But the most important lesson that photography has taught me is that I don't have to change the objects in order to view a beautiful picture. God already made this world beautiful, even with its ugliness in the mix. I can change what I view through the lense by changing the controls I have in my own hand.

I don't need to change people who hurt me. That's not even my job. If I have a problem with what I see in my lense then I need to change myself. I can't change people. The grace of God gives me the wisdom to know that. But I can change how I view them. I can change what kind of focus I want to put on them. I can change how I see them in my lense simply by changing myself. My subjects don't decide what I see...unless I have my camera set to auto. We are "auto"matically born with flesh that chooses to allow the subjects who hurt us decide where we aim our lense & how we focus on them.

A simple switch to the manual setting, and I decide where I aim my lense and how I focus it. I decide to make everything that I see in my lense beautiful, even when "ugly" is a part of the composition. When you know how to use manual properly you can even make "ugly" look beautiful.

Life is beautiful when you keep your settings on manual...because you choose to adjust yourself rather than the objects around you. You realize that adjusting yourself is all you need to do.

(All photographs in this blog © of Tara Cameron.)

 
Ashamed.Violated.Belittled.Degraded.Worthless.
Hurt. Angry. Afraid. Weak. Depressed. Cold. Timid. Anxiety. Outcast. Embarrassed. Abandoned.  Afraid...afraid... afraid...

Dear God,
These are just some of the ways they made me feel. Dear God, here is my shame. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of violation. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of belittlement & being degraded. I give it to you.
Here are my feelings of worthlessness. I give them to you.
Here is my hurt. I give it to you.
Here is my anger. I give it to you.
Here is my fear. I give it to you.
Here is my depression. I give it to you.
Here are the walls that have made me cold. I give them to you.
Here are my timid and anxiety filled nerves. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of being cast out. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of embarrassment that my feelings of shame have brought on. I give them to you.
Here are my feelings of abandonment. I give them to you.
Here is my fear... my fear...my fear. I give it to you.

Dear God,
Please forgive them for what they've done to me. Dear God, never hold them accountable for their sins against me. Please wipe it off their record permenantly. I forgive them. I ask you to forgive them to with no conditions... wipe it all away.

Dear God,
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry the shame that I didn't cause. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty for sins I didn't commit against me. I forgive myself if I ever hurt anyone because of the person I became. I forgive me. I forgive me. I forgive me in spite of me.  

Dear God,
If I ever held resentment for you for allowing bad things to happen to me, then I forgive you. Dear God you have always kept me. I understand that mankind does evil to the innocent because evil co-exists in this world with your goodness. I understand that you give man free will to choose right and wrong, and because of that, some have done evil to me. You allowed them to. I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.
 
"I want to be beautiful" the little girl said to God one night at bedtime prayer. 

The little girl danced in front of the mirror in heels that didn't fit and Mama's Sunday hat... "I want to be beautiful" she sang.

Little eyes flipped through magazine images while she waited with Mama in the doctor's office for her check-up. "I want to be beautiful" she thought. 

...The young lady stood in front of the mirror examining her new curves... "I wish I were beautiful" she said to herself.  

One night in a dream she heard a voice say, "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised....

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies...

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come...

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness...

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all...

Hear me my daughter this eve'... wake up and be beautiful."